This Feeling

It all started with some chickens.  No really….my last break up really did start with a discussion about chickens.  I consider myself to be somewhat of a good cook, and when I think about homemade, I tend to take things to the next level.  I have been known to make my own butter, for heaven’s sake.  So one night I was having a conversation with…let’s call him Max, where I said I wanted to maybe have a few chickens so I could use their eggs for cooking.

Apparently, I must’ve come off like Gordon Ramsay during one of his epic rants (i.e., “You’ve now just confirmed in my mind you’re not trustworthy.  So fuck you.”, “You fucking donkey!”, and “My gran could do better; and she’s dead!”), because that conversation prompted nearly a week of silence, followed by a phone call which laid out how Max never had gotten push back before, so he wasn’t ready to continue to commit to a relationship because he would have to compromise.  There was also a touch of “I still have unresolved feelings for someone I dated for four months last year, and even though she’s in a relationship and we have fundamental religious differences and I can’t be with her” and a dash of “it’s not you…it’s me.”

Now up until this point, Max and I had a great time together; long conversations at night about everything and nothing simultaneously, a shared love of music, and pancakes.  As this was a long distance relationship, we even had the talk about who would relocate and when.  Hell, he even met my daughter.

I wish I could say I saw this coming; I didn’t.  It hit me in my chest; a feeling that I’ve come all too familiar with.  And it’s funny, no matter how many times a heart is broken, it still feels like the first time.  Disappointment and loss is a sobering end to the day.  But maybe this time I will be able to heal better; I’ll let you know.


2 thoughts on “This Feeling”

  1. Sighs…I was literally in this same place last year. A five year relationship ended and I retreated. I needed a break from men, dating, all of it. I spent that time healing through writing, music and good friends. I hate to say it but you have to go through the process and it’s not easy. I still have days where I think of him and/or miss him. Somedays I’m angry and other days I’m just sad but in between those days, I remember that what is meant for me will never leave. I try to redirect my energy when I feel myself “going there”. Good luck to you…in time you will have the clarity you need. It’s ok to take a break to just “do you”. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for reminding me that this is a process. I’m working through it, and I think I’ve reached the acceptance stage. But you’re right…what is meant will not leave. ☺️


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s