She

So I’ve had a lot of time to think over the past few weeks; my daughter is on vacation with her dad, and the house has been rather quiet lately. On top of that, I’ve been sick with an upper respiratory infection and bronchitis, and I lost my voice nearly a week ago. Needless to say, I’ve had a lot of time in my head in between watching episodes of Lost on Netflix (if they don’t start answering questions about this damn island soon…) and drinking copious amounts of soup, and then this happened…

I’ve been emailing with a guy on an online dating website, and all was going pretty well, so we progressed to text messages. That went pretty well until I asked him if he liked to travel. He responded that he liked road trips, and I joked that I liked short ones, but drew the line at driving to the west coast (I’ve driven cross country twice, and I’m going to do everything possible to never have to do that again), and driving to Europe wasn’t an option, unfortunately. His reply kind of shocked me…he said he “didn’t really mess with other countries like that.” After probing further, it came out that he felt that there wasn’t any other country that had what’s in America, wasn’t open to even finding out, that I needed a baller, and unless I was paying for his trip, he had no incentive to travel.

In that moment, it really occurred to me that there was no real reason for me to continue talking to him. Not because he hadn’t traveled abroad, but because he wasn’t open to even seeing what was out in the world; I haven’t traveled as extensively as I would like to at this point, but even in my limited travels abroad, I know that there is so much more to experience and understand about the world other than what’s in your backyard.

But what I realized is that I am finally becoming very clear on what I want in my life (or more to the point, who I want in my life), and I would rather be alone and enjoy my own company rather than compromise on what is best for me. Because that really isn’t living; I’m at a point where I want to enjoy and experience life, and I no longer have time for things that do not bring me absolute joy. And for the first time, in that moment, I put myself first. And it felt pretty damn good to have that clarity.

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2 thoughts on “She”

  1. You have no idea how much this reading and hearing this has meant to me!! I really love you and your bravery to say No, I want more. I can’t wait to see and hear about all the bueatiful experiences that are ahead of you.

    Like

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